It has been an emotional week. I have had moments of pure elation, followed by days of great despair. I feel unsettled, even a bit unhinged. The calm and consistent temperament I have been cultivating since my move to DC has been replaced by a moody and unpredictable disposition. These drastic mood swings have me feeling a bit cray cray.
I speak in hyperbole. It really hasn’t been all that bad. I just hit a wall emotionally this week. As I packed up my things for California--and sold or donated just about everything else--reality set in. I am leaving. I am moving out of my home of the last six years. I am going to say goodbye to my close friends and family members. I will be starting over in a new city in a new career as a full-time graduate student. The amazing life I had put together over the eight years in DC soon will be gone.
I am having a hard time saying goodbye. I love my house. I painted it vibrant colors to help counteract the dark and dreary days of winter. I bought a beautiful set of furniture for my office, where I have spent many hours over the last three years. My bedroom set is almost brand new; I got it a week before I went to Spain in 2015. My things had been provided me a beautiful and comfortable place to call home, but not any longer. Everything is in disarray--and I can’t even sit and veg in front of the tv to escape. The couch was sold this week, as were my flat screen and sound system.
More so than any other time previously, I was hit by how hard it will be to leave my people this week. My friends have been so amazing with this move, coming over after working long days to help me sort through my belongings and pack things up. Those sacrificial friendships didn’t happen overnight. They were cultivated over years, and I am willingly walking away from them to start over on the other side of the country. I know it won’t be easy to make new friends. I know it will take time, and I worry how I will survive in the interim. Thank goodness long distance calling no longer costs extra. But what if I can’t find a new group of friends who embrace and love me in California? What if I am lonely for a really long time? What if I begin to regret my decision?
Then I started waking up between 4:30 and 5:00am--fully wired and unable to fall back asleep. Despite the daily progress I had been making, all I could see was the list of tasks that still needed to be completed--all the things I still had not done. I need to sort through my office and its storage closet. I need to decide what to keep, what to sell, and what to donate to others. Then I have to pack up the chosen things and figure out how to get the rest to their new homes. I need to rent a storage unit, and put everything I’m taking to California in it in the next two weeks. I need to have the place ready to show by June 1, and pray for tenants ready to move in by the end of the month.
Finally, the financial ramifications of my decision to go to grad school hit this week. I just got my last payment as an education consultant. For the summer and next five years, I will be making a fraction of what I am used to bringing in. It is going to feel paltry compared to what I have been making. And there are some repairs that need to be done to my house before the new tenants move in. The estimates are in the $2,000-range. I discovered it would cost $4,000 to move one bedroom’s worth of furniture to Stanford in one of those moving Pods. I decided to downsize more than I had planned, and use that 4 grand to buy whatever I need once I get to the West Coast.
Stress. Worry. Anxiety. Apprehension. My mind, my heart and my body have been plagued by these worrisome emotions for the last week. Talking about them helps a bit. I have shared how I am feeling with friends and had an emergency session with my therapist. I also am employing positive affirmations-speaking powerful truths to myself whenever the worries show up. God is good. All will be well. And I have started praying nonstop. I am trying to replace my anxiety with prayer.
Some days feel better than others. Yesterday, I flew to Amherst, MA to watching my niece graduate college. I sat in a folded chair surrounded by family and friends, and thought how wonderful it was to be there--to forget about the packing and moving for just a day. And I am very grateful for the money I have been making selling some of my belongings. They will go towards the repairs I have to make. So, there have been numerous bright spots in this period of transition and turmoil. Along with remembering to turn to God, trusting in His goodness and promises--keeps those crazy feelings at bay.
Crystal Moore began her wellness quest in 2003 after being diagnosed with lupus. Her quest has led her to embrace yoga, faith, exercise, healthy eating, and relationships. Share her journey.